GET A FUCKING JOB!

 

By Bill Camden

If you saw that documentary on channel 4 this past Monday night, everything was true. The Job Centre is an incompetent institution that serves no real purpose other than letting members of the public gets basic income so they don’t starve to death or become criminals only to survive.

Those of you who have years of solid work experience may be more fortunate to land a job – but that’d only be in the same industry, trying to change industries is hard.

Jobs at the bottom of the barrel are a lottery because so many people reply sending a CV and Cover Letter is like playing the lottery, except your money is replaced by your hope and fears of rejection.

I sometimes wonder if the Job Centre want everyone to get jobs, because if they did wouldn’t they be out of a job themselves? Sounds like a simplistic formula but even on a sub-conscious level, I question the motives behind some the workers I’ve met at the big JC. Did you know they earn between £18,000 up to £30,000 per annum?

There might be a lot of monotonous admin work involved but mainly they get to meet the unemployed public and either grill them or ask them politely (depending on personalities) about their job search.

It’s a weird process signing on. You go there every week hoping you’ll never have to come back again but before long you feel like you deserve an invite to the Christmas staff party.

One time I signed on, the building received a bomb threat. Shutters came down over the windows, alarms were going off and everyone was told to huddle in the centre of the room, the Unemployed and staff together in a huddled confusion. It has to be one of the weirdest experiences of my life and I’ve taken plenty of drugs.

If you’re a recent graduate, I envy you, especially if you still live with your parents. You can go do an internship for 6 months, there’s plenty out there. You may be working for free but at least you get something on your CV that will put one over me on the Job Market.

For those of us who have to pay for bills and food, working full-time for free for months is impossible. Instead we’re forced to apply for jobs we’re going to hate knowing that we’ll only be making an extra 20 quid above the Job Seeker’s Allowance income after tax, rent and bills rape our wage packets.

Maybe that’s why there’s a lot of people on the Dole. Sure, you get the chavvy scum who consciously scam the system simply because they’re just scum.

Others sub-consciously have lost the will to look for work or even believe they can get a job anymore. How many times do you have to send CV’s and write personal cover letters in the vain hope of getting an Interview, never mind a job offer!

So maybe my attitude might be wrong but even if I got a job flipping burgers at my local McDonalds, I doubt I’d last a week before I was trying to put my own head in the oven.

It could be worse I suppose, I could’ve been born in North Korea and work 365 days of the year brainwashed into thinking I’m working for a great and divine Nation and Emperor. Now that shit is scary. This McDonald’s application is now looking rather inviting.

 

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So Good, So Far, So Wrong

 

By Bill Camden

Since the start of the Olympics I’ve been living out of an underground bunker I’d made in a local allotment. You see, for the past year in the build up to this global event, rather than bask in anticipation of sporting triumph I spent my time watching videos and listening to podcasts.

Some of you may have done the same thing but you probably haven’t been listening to the kind of content that my mind has been transfixed on. I already have my own opinions on the Olympics being a corporate sports day, but apart from that I was pretty neutral about the whole thing.

That was until you supply a drunken man with the Internet and soon perceptions can change with a few clicks of an electronic mouse. I’ve been watching videos on YouTube which have convincingly shown that the London Olympics is the harbinger of death. The symbolism, the conspiracies all point to this Olympics being the show down for a multitude of possibilities, none of which involve peace, love and care bears.

I’ve been in my bunker, awaiting this Alien Invasion / A-Bomb to go off, ready to tell any poor soul lucky enough to have survived it that I was right all along and you should’ve listened to me, as I dance on the ashes of the fallen.

In a sobered state of mind I knew it was all nonsense, but who likes to be sober? We are living in a society that likes to fuck you up the arse without a condom distracting you with food, sex, comedy and violence.

The internet can be a dangerous thing, not because guys like me have access to this multitude of platforms but rather any Tom, Dick or Harry can make and post a youtube video.

It wasn’t just the Olympics either, it’s the year 2012, the end of the Mayan calendar and the end of the World as we know it. Planet X and Planet Niburu are coming to collide with the Earth bringing death and destruction whilst Alien races invade the planet and enslave us, the human race as gold diggers for their own sinister and needy greed.

Don’t forget the New World Order and the Illuminati’s involvement, the Rich come Lizard people are all to blame, the free mason’s and the secret societies have been plotting this society of random bull shit for centuries I’ll have you know.

So I took a break from Youtube and online videos of this sought only to find myself listening to podcasts. My life was then taken over by fear and a certain husky voice of an American man from Texas called Alex Jones who can make a birthday greeting sound like it’s bad news.

But there is something about Alex Jones that I like, not his dogmatic approach but rather his passion. You don’t hear him making wild predictions; he’s more factual than that. Just like his website infowars.com slogan says ‘spreading the truth about lies’.

His podcasts and a variety of guest appearances on others had me thinking that shit was going to hit the fan come the Olympics as it provides the Global Elite with a ‘false flag’ to invade Iran and blow the World to kingdom come as they enslave us as a One World Nation.

It’s almost been two weeks now and the Olympics is looking good. I’ve enjoyed seeing the beach volleyball and such at the Bookies. I feel rather stupid going to my bunker in my tin foil hat every night looking to the sky to see if I can see a mushroom cloud or an incoming space invasion from planet annunaki.

This World isn’t perfect, I know that much but I’m kind of glad to be proved wrong when it comes to A-Bomb’s in the Olympic stadium. Is there a market for crazy conspiracy theories to be made money out of?

So tomorrow I plan to leave the bunker behind and ride back into civilization in London.

God speed my friend.

 

The Dark Knight Rises a subtle climax to an epic Trilogy

By Bill Camden

If there is one thing that should remind me to not go on the old London Underground then it’s that of narcotics. The bright lights have my pupils at maximum expansion and the people on the train stare at me with a glare. Am I even on this Train or is this a crazy drug fuelled dream?

The mobile phone in my pocket vibrates intensely waking me up to some sort of confused sobriety. I answer the phone.

“ELLO?”

It’s Nigel. A good bloke is Nigel. A right geezer.

“Nigel mate. I am on the train on my way over. We still on to see this Batman flick? Right you are mate. Right you are. Dagenham did you say? I will find it mate. Is Tara joining us too? Super, well get me some amber in and I will…”

pic of random bloke on tube courtesy of http://peopleonthetube.tumblr.com/

A fucking tunnel. A phone that is apparently more technologically advanced than anything the U.S. President had in the 1970’s but it still can’t keep a bloody signal underground. Least that call has me feeling more with it, anyway. People don’t seem to be staring at me anymore and I take a seat. It feels like I’ve just woken up after my body had got me here on autopilot.

Today I am going to see ‘The Dark Knight Rises’. I don’t usually review films but that’s because I do not usually get asked to….. I tend to say it how it is. I lack the pretentiousness to write for Film magazines whilst the Entertainment blogs say I am too profound. It’s just a fucking movie, right?

The drugs were part and parcel of this feature and I tell you this with up most sincerity. The weekend just gone, there was a celebration regarding the launch of ‘THE GONZEAUX’, well I say launch, it was more like a confirmation of ideas.

Some geezer put an advert on that Gumtree site, you know the one where you go to look for free things like Dogs, Fridges and Sex. He was looking for some proper writers. Seekers of Truth and social commentary, he demanded. After the third round of beers he brought me I was hooked.

There were only four of us, and the guy who was given the Entertainments biz ended up taking a turn for the worse. He was a young whippersnapper. Full of energy and fucking surprised at anything that came out of our mouths. I wanted to punch him in the face but I realised it was only because he reminded me of a younger version of myself.

But fuck Freud and Carl Jung. I gave the kid some Truffles I’d got hold of from the Netherlands and no one has heard from him since. Hopefully it’s woken him the fuck up.

That’s why I am going to see this movie, the third film of this modern Batman franchise that started with Batman Begins in 2005 and The Dark Knight in 2008. This is 2012 and The Dark Knight Rises is the hopes and dreams of movie lovers everywhere for this year.

I usually can’t give two shits about these movies, The Avengers tickled my fancy and I avoided Spiderman. There is something special about Batman that makes it stand alone from the others, maybe it’s the fact he’s Mortal and that sense of realism feels less fairytale and more real.

I was up all last night watching the first two films of the trilogy. It confirmed my belief that Batman Begins is the best Comic book movie adaptions of all time. And that the sequel should’ve been called The Joker with a cameo from our favourite Hero.

Not that I am complaining of course. Both movies were great and as the train journey grew shorter, I was becoming more excited about seeing this closing chapter of a character, a City and a Universe that I’d just engrossed myself in via a small television and a DVD player.

I’ve avoided trailers for The Dark Knight Rises. All I know is that Bane is the bad guy and an American Football pitch collapses. I did not want to know more and I actually punched a guy last week at a party who began to explain the ending to anyone who listened. He was a dick.

Finally I arrive at the back of the Cinema where Nigel and Tara greet me with cold can of beer and a joint. I crack open the can, take a swig then search the pockets of my swimming shorts for a lighter.

It is clear that we’re all expecting greatness but know deep down that the heights of the previous two films will not be met…or can it?

Once in the cinema I grab my protocol of Large SWEET popcorn and a large soda before dropping the kids off at the pool. We take our seats and are treated to a teaser trailer for MAN OF STEEL, not once but twice. In case we missed it. The World needs a decent fucking Superman.

The cinema is empty but that’s just the way I like it. I’d purposely come to Essex to see the film for the cheap price. Only 8 miles separated the same cinema charging £16 and £5 for this movie. That’s London.

My mind starts drifting whilst some shitty trailers for Dredd and Total Recall play out on screen and take a moment to think of those in Denver who were unfortunate enough to be in that cinema massacre. I can’t fathom the words to describe such horror.

FINALLY…the film has begun. The Dark Knight Rises is here and I am waiting to be entertained.

The opening scene with Bane and the Plane hijacking blows my mind. They certainly made the right choice in casting as Tom Hardy has given Bane an extra dimension with his muffled posh voice behind that meat head villain persona.

Unfortunately I wasn’t impressed with how the film went on to be structured, I expected the story to show us how low Bruce Wayne has fallen, he’s been in his ivory tower for 8 years since the Death of Harvey Dent (Two-Face) at the end of the last film. He’s also walking with a Cane, after 8 years and all the money in the World he can’t get this fixed? But then I remind myself comic book movies are not supposed to be logical. I get it.

But maybe it’s why I like Batman, he’s not got any special powers, he’s just a tough son of bitch looking to serve some justice to some evil fucking cunts in Gotham City.

My attention is turned by the introduction of Cat Woman (Anne Hathaway) but the pace of the story is starting to become lethargic like it’s just eaten a Big Mac meal. My mind starts to wonder into a fantasy featuring me and Cat Woman but I’ll spare you the details

.

Finally we see Bruce Wayne don the Batman suit for the first time in 8 years (in the story) and he gets his arse handed to him by Bane in a close combat scene where Bane breaks his back and sends him to the prison which he was born in.

It’s another cue for Bruce Wayne to come back again as Batman but this time it’s going to be tougher than ever. Despite walking with a cane for 8 years which he fixes with a high-tech knee brace, he manages to fix his broken back in a prison with no technology in a few months. He should become a chiropractor.

I was expecting Bruce Wayne to fulfil some epic Joseph Campbell styled Hero Journeys in this movie, but these were too sloppy and somewhat predictable. But they know that.

My only conclusion is that Nolan and Company didn’t want to over shadow the previous two films by making this as Epic as I feel it could’ve been. Instead they wanted to end the franchise with a subtle “awwwww” rather than an “OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT?”

Overall it was still a brilliant movie that hit all the right notes although I wish there was more action and less drama.

Once the film finished I turn to Nigel and Tara for a post-movie review and Nigel points out how they got Bane all wrong compared to the comic, where he’s full of steroid-venom or something.

In Dark Knight Rises he uses a surreal oxygen/gas mask that prevents him from feeling pain which is still quite clever and felt it worked with this version of the Batman Universe.

There was also the introduction of Robin too, although not in costume that made all three us ponder about a spin-off Robin movie, but probably not under Christopher Nolan’s direction.

Once I left the cinema I couldn’t help feel disappointed. Perhaps I’d over hyped the movie by having watched the previous two the night before. I was expecting the same quality. I supposed that’s the trouble with a 3rd Film in a series, on its own it can be great but compared to the others it just don’t cut the mustard.

Not wanting to leave this review on a sour note, I totally dig this movie as the wrapping of an amazing Batman trilogy and best Comic book film series ever.

Tom Hardy has made Bane cooler than Chuck Dixon and co could have ever imagined. Whilst surely no one else can even attempt to play Batman after Christian Bale’s performances, he IS Bruce Wayne.

Now you’ll have to excuse me as I browse the World Wide Web for more pictures of Anne Hathaway as Cat Woman. Meow.